Today's Scores

In Memory of UCLA Men's Basketball: 1920-2009
by Jo-Ryan Salazar Analyst
Victor Decolongon/Getty Images
ANAHEIM, CA (Bleacher Report) - At the Anaheim Convention Center, UCLA Men's Basketball-who had been blessed with legacy of success for so many years-passed away at the ripe old age of 89.

The last rites were read by Father Victor Cegles of California State University, Long Beach's Walter Pyramid Church after the 49ers took him off life support, 79-68.

"UCLA will go down in history as one of the greatest basketball programs that ever lived," said Father Victor while performing the last rites. "He will now take his place among the programs of collegiate hoops heaven after witnessing 11 national championships bestowed in his name. UCLA will be missed."

Among those witnessing the funeral inside the ACC were Mr. Benjamin Howland, Mr. Daniel Monson, Mr. Prospector Pete, Mr. Joseph Bruin and his wife Josephine, and thousands of students, fans, and alumni from CSULB and the University of California, Los Angeles.

The highlight of the funeral was the eulogy by Mr. Monson, manager of Long Beach State men's basketball, whose speech consisted of two words shouted loud and clear, "GO BEACH!" The Black and Gold crowd roared in approval, while those from Westwood were inconsolable. Some were traumatized that they fainted at the sound.

One UCLA alumnus, who chose not to be named due to the fear of being "owned for ratting/snitching on his n*****s," said, "He will be like Jesus. He will rise from the dead. Or maybe not. I wanted to go to Long Beach State but my parents told me they s**k and they wanted me to go to UCLA because they are the only university that matters in Los Angeles (and they hate U$C, too).

"I now regret my powerless decision."

"It's kinda depressing to see a program like that be taken off life support," said Elizabeth Montoya, a chemistry major from Cal State Long Beach. "But all good things have to come to an end. It was fun to watch them. Sort of. Not like I care really; a win over UCLA in any sport is a good thing for us, you know."

John Wooden, former manager of UCLA Men's Basketball, was unavailable for comment. Later on, a written statement from Mr. Wooden stated this simple interjection, "Bah Humbug!"

"I need a vacation," said Mr. Howland after the funeral. "This world is too much for me."

"My husband told me before this news that UCLA could use a new coach," said Mrs. Bruin. "It's safe to say that we need one bad, so that we can bring him back from the dead. Zombie Nation, send help! And I will buy one of those Kernkraft 400 microwaves, thank you."

The news just added more salt to the wounds of those from Westwood, who witnessed their football team demolished by USC 27-0 at the Coliseum the previous day.

"What!?" exclaimed UCLA football coach Rick Neuheisel. "UCLA lost again? Man, this year could get bad for them. Ayayay."

UCLA Chancellor Dr. Gene D. Block was dismayed by the news. "Good heavens, I hope that was a typo I saw on ESPN.com," he exclaimed. After watching the replay on ESPNU, he shouted every obscenity he could muster from his worn-out voice box inside his office.

Cal State Long Beach president Dr. F. King Alexander, after hearing of the news, did his best Monty Burns impersonation. "Excellent," he said with a wide, uncouth smile.

PurplePrideTrumpet wrote:So, UCLA: Third place in the Pac-10, eh?